When Every Guy Is “Not Sure” About You (& how it’s not your fault)

 

Okay, I finally got a chance to sit down and record some videos this month because unfortunately me and my whole family have been incredibly sick and we’re still sick but We’re getting out of it now. I’m finally feeling a bit better about myself.

I was able to squeeze out some time to record these videos because as when the whole family is sick, you have kids and they’re sick. You can’t put them in daycare So it was really even difficult to carve out time to shoot these videos So I’m glad I was finally able to sit down and do this.

Okay? And it is very important because today the video I want to talk about is when every guy you like Is not sure about you. I have personally experienced this. I have worked with women who have experienced this and it is very crushing if you continue to notice this pattern where every guy you like, every guy you’re attracted to, you invest in ends up not being sure about you pulling away or just not being able to give you the commitment that you want, not choosing you.

So I want to talk about what is happening here and what you can do about it.

There’s a free quiz you can take on the feminine energy, which is all about expanding your capacity for love, joy, abundance, and really attract in those higher quality relationships. You will want to check out that in the link in my description. If you notice this pattern where every guy seems to be not sure about you, what you may have is a fear of commitment or a fear of intimacy.

Now, before you jump on me and you say, ” no, Katie, that’s not it. I definitely don’t have a fear of commitment. I want a relationship. I’ve been trying so hard to get into a relationship. That can’t be it.” I want to counter with your brain can be very sneaky about this. And I’m gonna show you how it’s sneaky about getting around this intimacy fear in this video.

Okay. So just be open to the possibility that you may have some intimacy fears. That’s keeping men at a distance for you. And if you don’t, if none of this stuff resonates with you, then at least you can cross that out. So let’s get into what these signs could be.

Sign number one is if you have experienced a bad breakup in the past. When I say bad, if you were in a relationship where you thought the guy was your person, and then it ended up he wasn’t your person, you were wrong about that, you may have developed some fear of intimacy because maybe your thought process is, if I was wrong before, I could be wrong again, and I don’t want to be wrong again.

Okay, like I don’t really want to experience a bad breakup again. I don’t want to go through that again. Some version of that was traumatic. That was bad. I don’t want to do that again, or it’s not worth it for me.

So if you do feel like a sense of resistance to making a mistake again, then you could have some intimacy fears. You may be extremely cautious about picking the wrong person and getting into a relationship where you could get hurt again.

Sign number two is when you find yourself waffling between wanting a relationship and then not wanting a relationship.

This is mostly due to the fact that there’s a lot of negative emotions and negative associations around having a relationship and all the intimacy and possibly , all the negative stuff of having a relationship that doesn’t work out. This happens because as women, we’re conditioned to want relationships.

A lot of us want relationships, but at the same time, we don’t want the breakup, right? We want to get into a relationship and have companion ship and, intimacy and love. But we don’t want the breakup. So how the brain kind of gets around this is it has to satisfy two conditions, which is, you wanting a relationship.

And secondly, you don’t want to break up. So how do you meet those two conditions? By moving towards a man who is emotionally unavailable, whether he’s physically unavailable, emotionally, not available, emotionally, not ready, because you can then get into a relationship of some sort, right? Knowing that he’s probably not going to ask you for a commitment.

He’s not going to ask you for intimacy. He’s not going to ask you to uproot your life and change your situation. By getting into a relationship, because if you think about it, a committed relationship does require a fair amount of emotional and possibly circumstantial change, right? You may have to change your routine, your lifestyle.

So if we move towards a man who’s not available, chances are really good he’s not going to put any pressure on us to make those changes. Therefore, we don’t have to feel that resistance. We don’t have to feel negative. This is the brain’ s sneaky way of getting around it. You may find that an emotionally unavailable man, where you know in the beginning he’s not quite ready for a relationship, he feels safer.

It feels safer to move towards him, for some reason. It feels safer to open up to him. To develop some kind of a bond with him. It does feel safer because there’s no risk of it turning into something more serious where then it would require much more of you than you may be willing to get.

Sign number three is when you notice if a man is interested in you and he’s coming towards you, you end up fault finding something about him. You end up rejecting him or finding something that’s wrong with him, nitpicking something that’s not right with him, as a way to mentally and emotionally push him away.

And if a man was pulling away from you, moving away from you, you end up idolizing and fantasizing about him and putting him on a pedestal. In a lot of cases, end up chasing him, right? Texting him, calling him. Wanting to be with him. And the reason we do that is because it feels safer with a guy who’s moving away because he’s never going to require a real true commitment into a relationship and having it change and uproot your life.

And the guy who is moving towards you, it feels very uncomfortable. Okay. It can feel uncomfortable because then if you also move towards him. Then it becomes more real, more possible that you may have to commit. You may have to change your circumstances and, put more effort in, like emotional effort in, be more vulnerable with him.

And then therefore, it feels more real then that if it doesn’t work out, the pain would be more real, right? More real in your mind. That’s the game we play with ourselves. It’s always what do we feel safest? And you always find the people who have a fear of intimacy, they always find a man who’s moving away feel safer to them to move

forward and a man who’s coming towards them doesn’t feel good. It doesn’t feel safe to move towards him. It actually feels better to move away from him.

Sign number four. When you’re extremely avoidant with men you don’t like and then as soon as you like a man, you become very anxious.

I always think anxious and avoidant is two sides of the same coin. Therefore, if you’re super anxious, you’re probably super avoidant as well. The problem is though, when you are being super avoidant, you’re not aware there’s a problem. When you’re anxious and you’re feeling anxious, you know it’s a problem.

But when you’re avoidant, you don’t even notice you have a problem.

This was the hardest problem to solve because the problem you need to solve is actually your avoidance. Because when you’re already feeling anxious, that man who is pulling away from you and triggering your anxiety, he’s probably not going to give you the intimacy that you want.

But the man who can who could give you intimacy and the intimacy that you seek, he’s the guy that re probably not even paying attention to.

He’s the one that you’re avoiding, that you’ve just totally dismissed from the beginning, therefore he’s not even in your awareness. Like you’re not even, you don’t even notice him. And it’s so difficult to solve a problem when you’re not even aware that it’s like a problem. So this is why it took me over a year to really figure out, Oh, actually I’m just avoiding, I’m avoiding all the guys that I could truly have a real serious relationship with.

I avoid them by telling myself they’re boring. They’re not interesting enough. I’m not that attracted to them. And your brain will come up with a lot of creative reasons to dismiss that guy. This is why it’s the hardest problem to solve. You could also confuse yourself.

Am I just trying to avoid intimacy or am I just truly not attracted to him?

And confusion is another way that we keep intimacy away. Because if we’re confused. Then we can’t move forward, right? We can’t move towards intimacy, which is ironic. This isn’t something that is one video and solved, or you take a course and it’s solved. It’s a series of little agreements that you have to make with yourself to move towards intimacy.

Again, if you are highly avoidant, your inclination is to avoid all of those little agreements that you need to make with yourself. That’s why it took me so long, because it’s so easy to avoid all of our problems. And if you don’t have a really good motivator, then you’re probably not going to do it.

That’s something I’ve just discovered for myself. Like I had to really get motivated to want to solve this as someone who is very avoidant. Because it requires you to move towards pain, discomfort, all the things you naturally want to avoid. That’s why we’re avoidant in the first place. So to deliberately move towards those things will be very uncomfortable and require a huge boost in motivation.

Like we have to really believe there’s going to be a payoff at the end or else it’s very challenging for you to do it. You’re up against the brain that created the problem in the first place. So you have to really understand yourself well, what motivates you and what demotivates you.

If you’d like to learn more about your own relationship patterns, your dating patterns and how to overcome them. You definitely want to keep subscribed to my channel. And if you want to learn more about the feminine energy and how to attract higher quality love and abundance and joy into your life and relationships, then you’ll want to check out that quiz in my description about the feminine energy.

Okay. That’s all from me this week. I’ll talk to you real soon.