Overcome Avoidant Attachment With These 3 Simple Steps

Hello, everyone. It’s been a little while. I have been busy behind the scenes cooking up something exciting for you ladies, and I really want to reveal it, but I’m not going to in this video. But definitely something is in the works and I have been a little slower with releasing content recently, but there is a reason for that. And I think a good reason.

I want to talk about how to overcome avoidant attachment in dating. Someone made a comment about this the other day, and I thought that was interesting because most people want to know how to overcome their anxious ways in dating. And when you look up, you know, when I did a quick research on avoidant behaviors, it was mostly avoidant behaviors in relationships.

And I think the reason that is, is because avoidant people don’t really know there is a problem until someone else from the outside points it out to them that their avoidant ways is a problem. I lean a little bit more towards avoidant behavior, so most of the time I’m not even aware I’m avoidant. I just think I’m being normal, being natural, doing my most natural thing.

And it’s only when my husband brings up an issue. That’s when I’m aware. That’s when I know, oh, okay, I’ve like slipped into avoidant ways again. But to me, if it was just me by myself, I just think I’m just being normal. Okay. And again, I also want to point out that I think avoidant behavior and anxious behavior are two sides of the same coin. So if you are avoidant, you’re probably anxious as well.

It’s just that you’re much more aware when you’re anxious because you can feel the anxiety in your body. And it’s like really obvious when you’re anxious, but when you’re avoiding, you’re not aware at all, like you don’t know anything is wrong. You just go on about your day.

Typically with avoidant behavior, avoidant people, how they start to be aware of this is, especially in dating, is when they start to notice that their relationships never get off the ground, never really go anywhere. They keep choosing the people who are emotionally unavailable. And for whatever reason, circumstantial reasons. the people they choose can’t give them the thing that they want or the people they want, don’t want them. Okay. And the people who are available could give them the intimacy and the love they want. They’re not interested in them. Right. There’s always like that disconnect there.

This is just one of the, one of the ways avoidant behavior can manifest, because you’re trying to avoid intimacy. So you choose people who are naturally never going to be able to give you the intimacy that you want, who are not available to begin with as a way to avoid the whole situation.

I think it’s a very interesting topic to talk about and I think a very important topic to bring some more awareness to.

You may be someone who really wants intimacy and a committed relationship and a deeply fulfilling relationship, but you just don’t understand why it keeps moving away from you. It just not happening for you. And because you don’t feel this constant super sense of urgency to solve it, you’re not always anxious about it, you’re just a lot of the time avoiding it, avoiding dating. You just kind of get this sense that, okay, I can really go on for the rest of my life this way, avoiding it right, and be okay, but then I’m never going to really be in the relationship that I want either.
So there is an internal like dissatisfaction that comes out, that may not be triggered from a man, but it’s triggered just from you being aware of this pattern of yours.

And it is a problem. Right. Because yes, you could literally avoid it for the rest of your life and not get the relationship that you want.

So the first thing you must do is become aware of when you are avoiding and also what the right thing to do would be.

Okay. So your brain actually has a lot of wisdom. You don’t need to consult anyone else. And in fact, I highly recommend you do not ask anyone else for advice, feedback, what you should do at all. Ever.

Okay, please do not do it because that will only confuse you even more and you will end up avoiding it again. So please ask your own brain because you will know. You will know when you are avoiding and what the right thing to do is. And when I say the right thing to do, that is the next thing to do, the next action that moves you towards intimacy.

So avoidant people and anxious people are both symptoms that come from the same root problem, which is a resistance to being vulnerable, to moving towards intimacy and true connection in a relationship. Right. So that’s how it manifests. So you already know, your brain knows which action will move you closer towards intimacy.

That is how it knows to avoid it. This is why I don’t want you to ask other people what to do. So if there is a man in your life… it may seem like all the other people may say, oh, you just need to talk to him. Right. And that’s moving towards intimacy, but not necessarily okay.

Not necessarily. That man may be emotionally unavailable. Okay. Maybe someone who can never give you the intimacy you want, and that’s why you have chosen him to begin with. So this is why you have to consult yourself. You will know whether, the right thing to do, would actually move you towards intimacy.

So it may be a “no”. Talking to this man may not move you towards intimacy. Okay. Because probably what’s going to happen is you open up to him, you communicate, you reach out to him, and then he rejects you. He says, I am too busy. I’m not available on this and that, this and that. All right. So your brain actually knows and can predict that. It is intuitive like that.

All right. So maybe the right thing to do would be to move away from that guy and move towards the guy who will actually be available for you and give you the intimacy that you want.

And you have to be really careful, right. You have to be careful and be highly onto yourself. Because what I see women do is they will like, listen to other people and then other people will say, well, you just need to talk to him and open up to him. And so they like, get all pumped up about it. And then they get rejected and they think they are being vulnerable. They’re doing the right thing.

But in fact, what they’re actually doing is they’re failing ahead of time, okay? They’re putting themselves in a situation to fail, to be rejected. And that is not being vulnerable. That is actually the opposite of being truly vulnerable. To be truly vulnerable, there has to be a level of positive expectancy. There has to be an actual chance that the person receiving it is also willing to be vulnerable with you, is also able to receive you.

Okay. There has to be a decent amount of chance for that to happen if it’s true, if you are truly being vulnerable.

It does not count if you are vulnerable with the guy who has a high chance of rejecting you because he already told you from the beginning he’s not available, he’s married, he has an ex who’s into him or he’s into an ex or whatever.

Right? Like there will be signs already in there that there’s a higher, higher chance that he could reject you and he will not be able to, let’s say, accept, your vulnerability.

You don’t ever want to do that. Because that’s only going to, like, kill your self-esteem more, right? You will like, go down the spiral. And that’s very demoralizing.

The second thing when you are being vulnerable is it will feel uncomfortable. And what you want to do is allow that feeling in. You want to open your arms up to it. And just breathe into it, okay?

What you don’t want to do is resist it. Try to white knuckle through it. Eg. You’re all tensed up because that is like our natural human reaction when we sense a threat or like a dangerous situation or know something bad could happen. We naturally tense up. We naturally want to, like, shut down and hide and run away.

Okay. So you want to intentionally move and open up that feeling, open up to that feeling and just breathe into it. Relax into that feeling of discomfort. That’s a very, very important step.

And the last step is you want to do the unnatural, uncomfortable thing and do that over and over and over again. But essentially, you’re going to train yourself this process of feeling uncomfortable and doing it anyway, feeling uncomfortable and doing it anyway, provided you are doing the right thing that moves you towards intimacy, true intimacy, and you are truly being vulnerable and not just like self-sabotaging and just doing the easy fail, the failing ahead of time thing, right?

Picking a man who has shown you along the way, he is capable of opening up to you. He is capable of
being available or emotionally available, ready for you, ready to be vulnerable himself in all kinds of ways. Opening up to that person, feeling uncomfortable with that person, doing all the intimate actions towards that person.

And then you want to do that 100 times over and over and over again, for the rest of your life.

And if you keep doing that, then you will eventually build a much deeper, richer, more fulfilling relationship. That is how every single person, by the way, does it. Every single person who has a deeply fulfilling, satisfying relationship like, emotionally fulfilling relationship.

Every single person in that kind of relationship has had to be vulnerable. And not just one time, but over and over and over again because there are like levels, right? Layers to another human being and layers to you, where you go deeper with someone. And when you go deeper, opening yourself up.

It does get easier, but never that feeling of discomfort, that feeling of vulnerability, never fully goes away.

So it always feels a little bit like you’re running into the fire, right? You don’t want to. You really instinctually, want to move away from the fire and get as far away as possible, because you’re going to get hurt. But that’s exactly what you have to do, move into the fire.

Just an example from my own life, because I always lean slightly towards avoidant behavior. And as proof that avoidant people can be happily married. I have a great relationship with my husband. We have a great little family. But here’s an example of how this shows up.

So I still, I instinctually always want to get away from my family. Like I would rather spend time by myself than spend time with my family. However, I know the right thing to do is to spend time with my family and genuinely, I want to spend time with them. I want to be with them and spend quality time with them.

However, my body, like my natural tendency to want to avoid, always want to go the other way, right? So if my family’s in the living room, I instinctually always want to go to the other side of the house and into my bedroom. Or if my husband is sitting on one end of the couch, I will instinctively want to, like, sit on the other end of the couch.

That is what I normally naturally want to do, but I know that is actually not what I want to do. So this is like where I kind of step in here, I interrupt myself and my natural tendencies and move towards the right, quote unquote action, the intimacy producing action, who I want to be, how I want to show up with my family, which is I want to be close, closer to my husband. I want to be closer to my kids. I want to be with them. And initially, it feels a little bit uncomfortable when I do that. But then once I settle in and I sit next to my husband, I sit next to my kids and I relax and I feel good and it’s all great and I enjoy it okay.

But initially I still have to train myself to do that. And I will say, and you know, I have, revealed that this has caused a lot of issues in my marriage. And that’s because in the beginning, when my husband wasn’t aware of like this, this is how I am, he’s had to tell me many times, that there’s a problem. There’s a problem here. “I’m not happy.”

And by the way, men will never point out directly that this is the problem. They will use other words, and you kind of have to decode it because men will… men are typically not trained to say, I need you to be more affectionate. I need you to hug me and kiss me more.

Most men are not going to say that. They will use other words like, “I’m not happy” or “we don’t have anything in common”, you know, like these other words. And then you have to decode what exactly he means by that. So that’s like another story. But anyway, I have learned that when he expresses unhappiness, that’s what he’s actually referring to, because I’ve become too avoidant.

I’m spending too much time away from the family doing my own thing, getting lost in my own projects, work. And by the way, I have so many different hobbies and things to keep me occupied. Like I said, my avoidant tendencies always want to move away from people and things. So I’m aware of that. And I have trained myself to slowly become more just like more normal, I guess.

Not more normal, but just be what my family needs me to be, to the degree that we can both be happy. Okay. I’m never going to be someone who is super affectionate with my family, with my husband. Right? I’m not going to be. It’s just never going to happen. You know, I’m never going to go from here, all the way over here, and I’m not going to do a 180.

But… that’s okay. I don’t need to. My husband is aware of this, how I am, and he appreciates the fact that, he knows I’m trying. I have tried, and over time I’m becoming more and more used to being more affectionate, spend more time with the family and it’s just become the new normal.

Internally, there’s always going to be a little bit of discomfort, but that’s okay. I think that’s like, I can live with that for the benefit I’m getting of more love, more intimacy, more joy, more happiness. Seeing the happiness on my husband’s face, the happiness on my kids faces by me spending time with them, is truly where happiness and fulfillment and joy comes from.

Like that is totally worth a little bit of discomfort, okay? Like needing to shift and be more intentional, right? To do the right thing in that moment. That’s totally fine. I’m willing to do that just for the benefit on the back end there.

And that’s what I want you to keep in mind. You want to keep in mind, what are you doing this for? You’re not just being uncomfortable for the hell of being uncomfortable. You are being uncomfortable deliberately, just a little bit uncomfortable, so you can have the love, the intimacy, the joy, the freedom that you want, the passion that you want in your relationship, because you genuinely do want that.

Yes. You may have to like, hack your brain a little bit in the beginning to get what it wants, what you ultimately want, but I think that is fully worth it.

If you want someone to help you through this process and more, in helping you attract and keep the love that you want, then I highly recommend you look into hiring me as your relationship coach, as your love coach, you know, we hire business coaches, money coaches, to help us handle those areas of our life. And I think why not love too. Love is just as important, if not more so than, you know, your money or your career or your business. Right? Like it is. why we’re here, it’s because of love. Everything revolves around love.

And I’m not just talking about, like, romantic love that just comes and goes. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the consistent feel good feelings that you have knowing that you’re supported, you’re valued.
you feel good in your body, you feel content in your body because you’re able to overcome this thing in your life and have the love you want.

Expand into the love that you want. Have more love, more joy into your life.

So that is it from me today. If you’d like to learn more about me and, how to work with me, if you’d like to learn about the feminine energy, you can check out all the information in the description where to find me there. And that’s it from me this week. I will be back with another video next time.