What if attachment isn’t a problem you need to fix? What if your attachment is the symptom of a different problem you may have never considered?
In this video I’ll reveal why:
- Attachment isn’t a problem
- What attachment is and why it’s a good thing
- How to take control over your “attachment”
- How to detach from him (or a person) for good!
You meet a man you like, and you immediately go from cool and calm, to anxious, texting them, chasing them, not giving him space, giving ultimatums, all the things you don’t “want” to do but keep doing.
Here’s how to “stop getting attached” to men that you LIKE, so you can lean back, chill out, just enjoy the process of seeing the relationship develop as it will.
You may want to stop getting attached because:
- It makes dating stressful, anxiety producing.
- Men should be allowed to pull away or “lose interest” or just “have a life” without triggering your nervous system.
- If a man is unavailable or not compatible with you, you want to be able to emotionally “walk away” whilst keeping your self-esteem and positivity high.
- It takes longer to find the right man if you keep getting attached and taking months or years to “get over” the wrong men.
- You don’t want to feel pressured to “get a guy” in order to feel “safe” and “right”.
Detachment in dating is NOT:
- It’s not having no feelings, not care about him. You can be attracted and interested in someone AND stay unattached to them.
- It’s not being zen or stoic.
- Not being interested, or bored or unattracted to someone.
Think about the nature of how attachment is formed. You feel the pull of attachment when the object of your desire is NOT AVAILABLE. If a man was always available, always there when you need him, you wouldn’t even notice if you were attached, because he’s always there. You’re not triggered into any kind of anxiety.
You only feel the attachment when he’s not there.
It’s the men who are slightly unavailable, that pull away and come back, who are inconsistent that creates the dopamine hit, adrenaline hit that drugs have on us, it’s the contrast of him pulling away and then coming back that feels so amazing.
And so often we mistake that to mean, “he’s the one”, “I must be so into him”, “this must be something truly special” – because we’re taught feeling chemistry with someone is important, that if it’s a soulmate connection, we would KNOW IT because we’d FEEL it.
Your Brain Is Tricking You
No.. it’s just your brain tricking you, manufactoring an emotion based on how your brain is wired.. that excitement, that anxiety, is the same fight or flight primal emotion you feel when you’re in danger.
And your brain is doing that to signal to you, “PAY ATTENTION” because something is not quite right here.
If you’re anxiously attached, your natural response is going to be to:
- Pull him close
- Text him a million times, not give him space
- Get to know what is going on with him, where he’s at, what he’s thinking
Because to YOUR nervous system, he is your lifeline, so his reality and his view of you becomes super important to you.
Not because he IS anyone special or important, but because your BRAIN is tricking you to think that he is.
Here’s how you know it’s a trick:
- You feel MORE INTENSELY about him when he’s NOT WITH YOU, then when he IS with you.
- And you spend 80-90% of your time WITHOUT him than WITH HIM.
So all of those anxious feelings you’re feeling, isn’t coming directly from him, from direct interactions, it’s coming from YOUR BRAIN.
You’re thinking about:
- What you make it mean about you that he hasn’t responded or texted (eg. he’s not into you, and why he’s not into you)
- What circumstances has him pulling away, and how that relates to you (eg. he’s interested in someone else, or he’s busy with work, and how he’s not choosing you or prioritizing you over that other thing)
- Looking for evidence that he IS into you (reassuring yourself you’re doing the right thing) or evidence he’s NOT into you or you’ve been wrong (so you don’t make further “mistakes”).
- Replaying past scenarios
- Fantasizing future scenarios
- Catatrosphizing worst case scenarios
- Or inventing solutions as to how you’re going to fix him, change him, make him available, make him commit
All of this brain chatter perpetuates the attachment and has you FURTHER INVEST in him even when he’s not directly in front of you.
The solution is simple:
Step 1: Stop telling yourself when you like a man you become attached.
You can like a man, without being attached to him – the attachment comes from your mind and the stories you’ve created about why you want him and need him.
Step 2: Know what you like and why you like him.
Here’s the honest truth that you’re not facing:
If this man was 100% available, always there when you want to talk, always ready to see you – would you still feel the same way about him?
If you’re being 100% honest, the answer would be NO.
My guess is you’d feel:
- Smothered
- Turned off
- Too pressured to “get into a relationship with him” and what if you’re not ready?
- or you’d feel bored, he’s predictable, he’s the “safe option”, and there’s “no spark”
Eg. he could be the running 5 companies and be super successful and good looking, those men can STILL BE BORING. I’m sure you know men like that.
So maybe the truth is you want excitement, and that’s why you choose these more exciting men.
Maybe you’re not 100% ready for that relationship. You want more excitement than stability. That’s ok too.
Just tell yourself the truth about it, and THEN decide consciously if that’s what you want to keep choosing for yourself.
Step 3: Here’s an opportunity to know yourself deeper
When you know you’re attached to the idea of him, what he represents, what you want to believe is possible in your life because of him, now you have an opportunity to get to know yourself and your TRUE DESIRES on a deeper level.
That’s the beautiful thing about dating a man who triggers you into your anxiety, it brings up all the unmet needs and unmet desires that you had lying dormant within you, and that is a beautiful thing. We want to take this opportunity to get to know ourselves deeper.
Now’s the time to journal and write down all of these deep desires that you didn’t even know you had.
- What kind of life did you imagine could be possible?
- What would you be able to believe about yourself?
- What would you be able to feel?
- How can you invite all of those possibilities into your life right now (regardless of a man)?
Your work is now to create that life you want without relying on any one man. That is 100% possible for you.
Remind yourself you don’t need a man to live a fulfilling life.
This conscious realization that it’s all still possible for you (without him) is where true detachment happens.
Eg.
- Maybe you want to go camping more
- Maybe you would believe you’re good enough, or loveable by having him in your life.
- Maybe you’d then believe you’re ready for a relationship.
Whatever you believe you would get by “getting him”, that is your ASSIGNMENT to fulfil on your own.
Step 4: Taking action towards your desires
Create new goals and plans for your life based on what you discovered. Take 1 small step towards those goals TODAY.
Now you have REAL GOALS you can go for that is NOT reliant on someone else, now you can take action on achieving these goals, because these goals are 100% within your power to fulfil.
Detachment is about empowerment, not needing someone else to make you feel safe or fulfilled.