When you’re trying for a goal, learning a new skill, or surrounded by people doing better than you, it’s easy to fall into feeling not good enough. And if left unchecked, this way of feeling can lead to even more toxicity and unnecessary suffering in your life.
In this video I want to share with you my process to overcome feeling not good enough and to get your emotional life back on track as quickly as possible.
WHAT YOU WILL DISCOVER:
- The most powerful reframe to change your internal beliefs that you’re “not good enough”, with men and in life
- 5 Steps to get truly stop feeling bad and believing you are “good enough” again
- Understand one of the reasons why you beat yourself up in the first place
- The most powerful questions to gain perspective when you’re in “deep pain”
- How to gather powerful evidence against your negative beliefs so you can finally feel yourself move forward
- A practical daily exercise you can use to shift beliefs and feel good about yourself
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VIDEO RECAP
The most powerful reframe to change your internal belief that you’re “not good enough”, with men and in life.
If you’re feeling not good enough, it’s because your mind is telling you a story that you’re “not good enough”, “you’re less than” in comparison to someone else or to how you THINK you should be.
So in order to feel better, you want to question and investigate why you think you should be somewhere that you’re not.
Which leads me to the next powerful reframe.
The reason a lot of you want to stop believing “you’re not good enough” is because of the way it makes you feel. It makes you feel like crap. And we live in a “positive/thinking/feel good society” where FEELING GOOD is valued MORE than feeling bad. We’re sold left and right how this is going to make us feel good, or that is going to make us feel good. And how to avoid pain, how to avoid feeling bad about anything.
So we’re delusioned into thinking, “feeling good” is the purpose of life, and feeling bad means you’ve failed life. Or at men and relationships. Or any area of your life.
This thinking is TOXIC and CREATES more pain in your life.
Think about it, if you have resistance to feeling bad, and you beat yourself up for feeling bad, and you keep wishing you didn’t feel bad.. you’re just feeling bad about feeling bad. You’ll add ON the badness.
You’re creating unnecessary suffering for yourself.
Step 1: Stop Resisting Feel Bad
To stop feeling “not good enough”, is to stop resisting feeling bad, ALLOW yourself to “feel bad”, to feel NOT good enough.
For example:
This guy hasn’t returned my text message, and I feel bad, and that’s ok.
This guy doesn’t want me, and I feel bad, and that’s ok.
I didn’t reach my goal today, I overate, I overslept, I procrastinated, I didn’t do what I said I was going to do, I screamed at my partner today, and I feel bad about that, and that’s ok.
Step 2: Understand Why
Write down the answer to the following questions.
Why do you believe “you’re not good enough”? Not good enough for what or for who? To what standard? What do you believe you need to have or be before you “allow yourself” to believe you’re good enough?
It’s important you ask your brain this, and to force your brain to give you an answer.
If you answered “I want a particular man”, “I want a man to want me”. I’m going to address this later.
But it doesn’t have to be a man, it could be anything in your life.
Now:
If you brain offers you a vague, fuzzy answer like: “I don’t know.. maybe it’s this, maybe it’s that, I’m not sure. Maybe nothing.”
You may be BLOCKING yourself from finding out the truth. It’s like when you’re given this really hard math equation, what is 1829 + 3583= ? And your knee-jerk reaction is “I don’t know” because your brain is drawing a temporary blank. Now if you gave yourself 10 minutes, you’re probably going to be able to work it out. The problem is, most of us, DON’T do this – we don’t enquire deep enough in what we know, don’t spend time THINKING about why we think the way we think, why you believe what you believe.
So we give the knee-jerk, canned response: “I don’t know. Or I’ve always thought this way. Or it’s from my parents.”
And here are some questions to help you:
What happened just BEFORE you started to feel bad about yourself?
What triggered you to think you’re not good enough?
What event or circumstance took place that made you FEEL like you’re not good enough?
Or what event or situation or person is MAKING you feel bad about yourself?
CONTEXT is really really important here.
The more specific you can get about WHAT, WHO, WHEN you got triggered, the EASIER it is to SOLVE the problem.
This is why affirmations, although helpful, doesn’t always work. Because you can believe you’re good enough in one area of your life, and still believe you’re “not good enough” in another area of your life, and telling yourself a thought you DON’T believe can often BLIND you to the “real work” that needs to be done.
So the best way to work on your belief system is by working on something TANGIBLE – a real tangible GOAL that you’re trying to achieve. Because oftentimes, as soon as we set a GOAL for ourselves that’s outside of our capabilities, outside of our reality, that WILL bring up all the negative thoughts, all the limiting thoughts, all the “I’m not good enough, not worthy enough” thoughts – it’s butting up against challenges and difficult situations, difficult people that helps us work on our belief systems in a PRACTICAL way.
If we’re always happy with where we are, if we’re always content with what we have, we probably wouldn’t be triggered into any negative thinking – and then we also wouldn’t grow, we wouldn’t need to grow, we wouldn’t need to overcome our own negative voices.
So I like to reframe the presence of “negative thinking” as the brain signalling we CARE about a goal, an outcome, a person SO MUCH, we’re willing to beat ourselves up over it. It means you CARE. It means you have DESIRES. If means you want something MORE for yourself than you currently have. And that’s a beautiful thing, it’s a natural thing to want to evolve and grow.
For example:
I once heard from Gary V, this totally blew my mind, he said when he watches people lose a sport, and they start crying, most other people’s reaction would be to cheer the kid up, and basically tell the kid to stop crying. As if crying is a bad thing, as if thinking they’re not good enough is a bad thing. But Gary doesn’t do that, he makes it mean that kid CARES. Wow blew my mind.
Be specific. Exactly what you believe you’re not good enough at, where you think you fall short, what you’re missing, what you make it mean about you, your fears, your worries, if it’s a man who doesn’t want you, answer WHY specifically he didn’t want you etc.
Now you will want to skip over this. Most people (especially positive people) don’t like to identify themselves with negative thinking, they think their negative thoughts will “make them more negative” or they will feel even worse and get stuck there, or it’s not productive, and there’s more important things to do.
Again, if you embraced that there is NOTHING inherently wrong with feeling bad, then there is also nothing inherently wrong with negative thinking, then you’re going to give yourself much more of a chance to look at your negative thoughts WITHOUT JUDGEMENT.
And it’s important you display your TRUE thoughts out in front of you, so you can look at them. Get them out of your brain, and OUT on to paper, so you can assess them with perspective.
An unconscious negative thought is 10x more powerful and destructive than a CONSCIOUS negative thought.
So write them down. Get them all out.
Once it’s out, the first thing you will probably want to do is JUDGE yourself, criticise the thoughts and run away probably. That’s often my reaction.
Just notice if you do that. If you cringe, want to turn away, want to vomit, those reactions are pretty normal. It’s ok, allow them in too.
I like to tell myself, “Ok this is terrible, this is cringeworthy, this makes me want to vomit, and it’s all ok. I can do this. I can face myself.”
I also like to remind myself WHY I’m doing this.
- You’re not doing this to find more evidence to use against yourself or beat yourself up even more.
- You’re doing it to figure out WHY you believe what you believe, to find any “misconceptions” to what you believe, to find any gaps in knowledge or skill set you need to fill, so you can learn something new, so I can try something new, to learn from my mistakes, to grow more self-awareness, to practice more self-compassion, to finally stop running the same patterns you keep running, to get a NEW perspective on the problem.
- Not EVER to beat yourself more.
Step 3: Find Evidence To The Contrary
Once the shock disappears, and you’re able to look at your own thoughts CALMLY. Now you want to go line by line, and QUESTION everything.
Is that really true? How is it NOT true?
Write down the “counter argument” to your thoughts.
Eg.
If you wrote: I’m not good enough because men don’t want to be with me.
Ask yourself, how is this NOT true?
Or how is it true that: I am good enough?
Now here’s where you may come up against some resistance.
Your brain MAY offer you the “I don’t know” response again. That’s when you need to enquire DEEPER. Give yourself MORE TIME to answer this. Come back to it over and over until you come up with something. MORE the better. Do not give up!
Some beliefs are so deeply engrained, you may need to ask your brain every single day over 30 days, to come up with COUNTER arguments against your “negative thinking”.
Now ideally, you want to come up with your OWN answers, your own responses, and then turn those into your Affirmations that you can use on a daily basis.
(I think affirmations are great, BUT the problem is, if you just copy and paste someone else’s words, and you don’t genuinely BELIEVE those words, it’s not going to work. Affirmations only work if you BELIEVE the affirmations. So I recommend you ALWAYS make up your own. Find the words you genuinely believe, even if those don’t sound “pretty”. Trust me, it’s better to use something like, “I feel bad and it’s ok I feel bad.” or “I am a human.” THEN “I’m beautiful and amazing.” if you don’t actually believe you’re beautiful and amazing.)
Another thought:
- Sometimes it may be true we’re not good at a certain skillset. We may be at the beginning of learning a skill, and we can get trapped into thinking “we’re not good enough” as a way to make ourselves feel so bad, we want to quit before we even start. REALLY notice if this is your brain. Are you making the experience of learning something new SO miserable for yourself, because you’re expecting to be an expert from the get-go, instead of a BEGINNER?
- A lot of times we hide behind the “I’m not good enough” belief as a way to stay in our comfort zone. So we don’t have to do anything new, try anything new, risk anything, but that also means we’re not growing, we’re not learning, we’re not moving forward in an area that we may WANT to move forward in.
Tip: If you’re struggling to believe you’re good enough for men
If you’re stuck on believing men want you. As in, you can’t find evidence to believe men want you, it’s probably because you’re thinking of ONE PARTICULAR MAN who didn’t want you. Let’s call him, your perfect man, what you’re really thinking is “this perfect man doesn’t want me” and you don’t believe this is a “belief”, you think this is a FACT. So of course you can’t make yourself believe something isn’t true when it IS true, right?
Yes.. except, “this perfect man doesn’t want you” isn’t a FACT, it’s a THOUGHT, it’s a thought error actually.
The error isn’t that he doesn’t want you, the error is thinking he is perfect for you. And that you WANT him.
The only reason you have a hard time believing that is because you’ve got your “he’s perfect” lens on. You’re ONLY thinking of all the ways that he is perfect, and ignoring the ways that he isn’t.
The fact is:
You don’t want a man who doesn’t want you.
Really think about that – you DON’T actually want a man who doesn’t want you.
So if you have this specific problem: ask yourself instead; How is it true that I DON’T want him and that he is NOT perfect for me?
Step 4: Create your own daily affirmations
Ok here’s my actual list, when I was feeling VERY low in my life, here’s my list.
- I have value.
- I have value even when I do bad things.
- I am worthy even when I do bad things.
- I am worthy even when I don’t act like I “should” act.
- Just by being born I am worthy and I am a gift.
- I am worthy even when I make other people upset.
Notice, nothing super amazing about it. but these were the thoughts I could BELIEVE. and they made me feel SO much better than the negative thoughts I was actually thinking at the time.
You want to meet yourself at where you are, and go for 1% better. NOT go for rainbow and daisies. That’s just an opportunity to beat yourself up even more.
Step 5: Regular Practice & Upkeep
Spend 5-10 minutes a day to write down your negative thoughts and read over your affirmations. Some mornings I ONLY read my affirmations, some mornings I ONLY write my thoughts down. Sometimes just the awareness of my negative thoughts, helps me remind myself of my positive ones.
Sometimes I go for weeks without needing to do it, and then something happens, and that triggers me back to doing this work.
This is an iterative, continuous practice that you need to be putting in place regularly. ESPECIALLY if you have big goals and dreams you’re pursuing.
So to recap on how to believe you’re good enough:
- Stop resisting your negative thoughts and negative emotions. They are JUST as valuable and worthy as your positive ones.
- Find your negative thoughts by writing them down.
- Find evidence to CONTRADICT those negative thoughts. Don’t just override them with positive thinking, find REAL, genuine evidence that they are not true by asking your brain. Let your brain “work to find the answers”. (No copy and pasting blindly, borrow from others only if it resonates)
- Practice those beliefs regularly until they become second-nature to you.
- Do not give up!